dispatch from the clearing fog

Hello world, it’s me, Anastasia. Is this thing on? Can you hear me? 

It’s been a minute since I’ve been able to compose a thought. The smoke of burnout and a world on fire has made my mind cloudy. Visibility became very low, I had a hard time seeing myself through day to day, and even harder time seeing through my own thoughts. My mind was so loud with the whir of anxiety that I couldn’t hear anything else. I stopped tasting. I felt everything, and nothing at all.

But, it’s time to write again. I’ve been saying I’d write again for months, years. But it just wasn’t possible. My nervous system was stuck. It wasn’t time. 

Now, I’m certainly of the top echelon of lucky people in the world, because just when I thought I was going to slip into an endless void, I was able to take a sabbatical from my work job. I day dreamed about leisurely reading at cafes and wineries, furiously writing at libraries or my campus office, and voraciously researching, but it turned out I just cried for six months. Too many grief monsters, of my own and of the world. 

The smoke cleared slightly, my mind started to quiet, just enough to hear that I am still here. I can’t be the only one going through this. Are you there? Can you hear me? See me? 

I’m back for now so I’ll share what I’m thinking about, working on, reading and watch: 

1. Got to present some critical thoughts on this idea of “care” at the University of Utah. They have a pretty rad heterodox economics department. 
2. Trying to work on Decarcerate Rochester. 
3. Reading John Berger, Pig Earth now, then the rest of the trilogy, and The Shape of a Pocket. This essay on time too. And watching Ways of Seeing. 
4. Koyaanisqatsi: Life Out of Balance (1982), Powaqqatsi: Life in Transformation (1988), and Naqoyqatsi: Life as War (2002)
5. Still working on a book review of Family Abolition for Feminist Economics because I really want economists to read this book.
6. I have a backlog of writing and thoughts to share: some notes from a trip down south in November, decomposing care, more notes on abolition. I’m just going to start playing with words again here.

Been playing with colors and shapes too lately. Onward to healing.